Never Kiss the Finger of the Law

By The Hillbilly Dude | Published October 15, 2025

Anybody that’s spent time with me knows my common sense didn’t come natural.

I’ve had to earn it.

The law pulled me over once in high school and asked me if I’d been drinkin’.

Truth of the matter is: nope - not then, not before, not since. You might assume a hillbilly would be into ‘shine and whatnot, but that’s never been my thing.

Do I like me a fancy drink with an umbrella? I’ll have a couple three sips maybe once in a month of Sundays. But not on the regular.

I did panic a little when he asked, though.

With good reason.

In my VW Rabbit, I kept pretty much everthang I’d need to spend the night in or near my car: a sleepin’ bag, change of clothes, my guitar, and a family-sized Welch’s Grape juice. The juice I’d just leave in the car - drink on it all week - then get another’un. When I started gettin’ down to the dregs, sometimes the juice that was left would start to turn, and I’d have to pour it out.

The panic was because I likely had a partially-fermented, nearly-empty bottle of grape juice dregs under my seat.

So I tried to answer calmly, "no sir, I have not."

Then he leaned over a little, so we were face-to-face. He stuck his forefinger up in the air, equidistant between our noses. He said to, "blow on my finger."

I paused. I thought, "what? Blow on his finger? Surely I didn’t hear that right." I stared for what seemed to be an hour and a half, then I said out loud, "what?"

He repeated it.

I had never heard of blowin’ on somebody’s finger for any reason whatsoever, much less an officer of the law. So I paused again, and went over the instructions in my head.

"Blow on his finger. Blow on his finger."

So I leaned in closer and closer. And as I neared his finger, I pooched my lips out, like I might plant a kiss right on the tip of his finger.

Then, with the most whisper of a puff I could muster, I blowed on that dude’s finger - just enough to make the flame of a match flicker. A tiny little poof.

He looked confused. Then a little angry.

"Just blow in face."

I’ll never make that mistake again.